expecting….

March 1st, 2009

if only the liquour have not reached my brains i would have held inhibited from the urge of splurging all the thoughts i have in me..

if there’s one thing a particular person told me…it’s the very thing he said that “the most effective way to hurt yourself is to expect a lot of things from people…to actually refrain from making them the person like you are…because the moment you do , that’s when the frustration sets it….”

has told me a lot times about that..”not to expect much from people”:…and no matter how much i have thought of him as someone as a mere stranger now…because i believe both of us are happy now, at particular times i realize, i have remembered him much on his thoughts of protecting myself…i remembered because i was with some persons now who i just realize were not actually who (or what ) i perceived myself  to them…

maybe there will always be people like that..no matter how i try to believe that my little own world is ideal…although i believe that  trying is not bad…it’s just frustrating when reality sets in and its far from yo thought…and it’s scary when paranoia opens possibility of something worse..

(i remain to mask my thoughts…and when i do, i do it because i will definitely hurt feelings..step on ego’s ….push some persons into looking at themselves differently….)

but see… no matter how i appear to be unconditional to many personal circumstances…no matter how ok and remembering i am…i will never be able to deny that the person i am, will be the same way i perceive other persons to be…and the curtains just automatically fall the moment i realize, things are not just the way it is on my mind….

and that figure will always be my mentor when it comes to this…no matter how unacceptable his reasons behind were ..and no matter how absurd the facts according to him were…this thinking are the ones i am thanking him for..

but i believe im a failure in his subject..never even got close to having a grade of B…otherwise this blog wouldn’t have been written in the first place…

those ways are yet for me to learn.. the moment i succumb to that without being intoxicated…

but then again…maybe it’s just because of the DAY that i expected a lot, without knowing that i was… thinking that years ago, i screamed with pillows on my mouth for not being able to receive the phone call i much expected…years ago that i expected a surprise but ended up pleading for time and being glared at for disturbing work… year ago that i didn’t get even a little notice…and now that i don’t have a hint of recall at all…..

…well…maybe it’s just the liquor………it probably is…

The End

… in time….

February 18th, 2009

And like they say…it has  just sank in…..

it has never ceased to amaze me…how he could actually be somebody i perceived to be with ….somebody who takes care of me even on places i deem my territory …someone who i can watch laughing with my parents  from a distance…someone who rushes upon hearing a glass broke on my foot….someone who would dare to be with me on stressful moments with friends … someone who memorizes the names of my friends and the occasions in their lives more than i do…someone who loves me beyond words and beyond what I can imagine…someone who’ll take a second breath for me…..

and all of the amazing things i have imagined i’d be in… i finally felt it…without much effort ….like they say, everything will just fall in the right places at the right time….

ten years of friendship…of years just goofing around, struggling for identity…running to each other at times of pain …and boasting on each other’s achievements…

i remember our careers changed on our pursuit to fulfill our family’s dreams…but at times he’s around the corner, he manages to squeeze us in his time….and everytime he does, I never stopped looking at him as a good half…even at times we were committed to somebody else..

it’s funny remembering that we were never both single at the same time until now…(well, before we dated)…

and it will always be nice to remember that amidst the attraction…both of us did not dare to go beyond our lines…we kept the friendship…kept watching each other’s back…enjoyed each other’s company without fear of judgment even atthe differences we have…laughed at each other’s ridiculous gestures..

but so they say… you just cannot have everything… there are major choices that entails big sacrifices…and no matter how I tried to run from reality…trying to defy time.. it seemed written all over the place…

how do you reconcile a future you have built in your mind for so long from something that is offered differently…how long can someone remain to be on control of her destiny…how strong can unexpected realities be…how can two choices so fulfilling be so hard to combine…that the vital element of the two is impossible to bring together…..that choosing one will leave a good half of me … will i be strong enough to pass the burden….

in time…i will be able to blurt the exact words from my mouth…as soon as I can force to say it even to myself.. the moment I will also be able to find the answers to my questions.. .

it is when i am scared with words that i put so much effort in masking my thoughts…

i am happy…that closing my eyes, the visions are still clear of what I want us to be…I have become a stronger person…with him, I learned to be really better…

….that I believed again that all things in life are simple, it’s us who make it complicated…

… that when you are nice to people, they will be nice to you…and if they’re not, then it’s sad for them …

…that we all have flaws and  the best way to be secured with yourself  is to acknowledge that we are not perfect ..

…and that  we can be laughed at because of our imperfections and we can laugh with them …

…that  our flaws will not be the measure of our character…

…and that emotions are REAL, that it should be taken cared of..

And with that, i remain smiling still in this blissful moment……..

The End

risking again….

December 23rd, 2008

i’m just trying to beat the sleepiness off…everything has been a bliss…it was something I never expected again to happen…but it just did..

“he lets me love him without losing myself in the process…”..for the first time, i mean it when i say this…i used to say that and believed that it was real …but it wasn’t….this time, it just wasn’t what i wanted to believe in …one of my thousand ideals…this time it’s real… absolutely………

the minute he stepped again on our doorway..and i knew then it would lead to something  really special…

for many times, i have been so transparent of what i felt about someone…to the extent that it was meant to force others that who i was with was worth all the affection…but then again, no matter how flowery i become…or how melodic my essays be…happiness can never be simulated ….no matter how i create literary illusions of what i had, the sigh i have proves otherwise..

2 years ago (2006)…i spent the rest of Christmas eve with this guy…after someone broke my ideals in Christmas..i remembered being upset early .. felt alone, …surprised with a gift i really loved to have, but being left quickly…i expected to have spent the special day with someone, but he had other plans ….

then out of the blue…this friend came…probably because he had no one to spend the holiday eve with….he saw the expression i had…the sight of solitude…i didn’t have to tell further…over a wine and food…we spent the whole night (until literary the sun rose) talking about our lives….

he has been always there for me…my knight in times of distress each time that i was torn into pieces…for years, he had seen the worst of me.. and the best that I have become…for years, he knew what would interest and frustrate me….we matured together, had fun in the simplest things we have together, and were witnesses of each other’s time of love and hurdling hurt that comes with it…

for years, i have drawn a line between us…i refuse to go a step higher with friends…childish it may sound, but i didn’t want to ruin a very special friendship….each time he’s around,i drop all my schedules and storm the streets with him….i am myself when i’m with him…not underestimated…not looked down…not taken for granted.

and then suddenly things changed….as much as i tried stopping it…not because i didn’t want it, but because i didn’t want another guy to drop my defenses again…NOT again…i didn’t want to start believing to another person’s words again…i didn’t want to get tangled with loyalty again…i stopped believing anymore that people can actually be truthful…i stopped believing i could trust again…

but then again…persistence and consistency is irresistible….and blessings from special people are enough to look at it in a different light…i might have been blind for a while of something / someone that has been of reach for so long….someone whose flaws are bearable …someone whose presence i will always feel, even without saying… i have been so fascinated of people who can sweep me off my feet…awed with who can lure like in movies…can give me the challenge i deniably seek.. that i forgot the essentials this person knows i speak all the time…he knows that he is..

how could have i glanced from afar for when what i deserved was just right before me all along…

…it’s heartwarming seeing him blend in my world…for years, it was only me, him and childhood friends….now he starts reaching in my world, and knowing the people i deem special…something i have always wanted to see, without asking…

when i look back, i smile at what i had…i had a great share of happiness and i had a lot of hurts …but i survived them all …what we had with persons who we didn’t last with, are meant to teach us about ourselves, that i will always be thankful for….it will always remind me of what i want much and what i will never want.

skeptics say that such is too early to tell.. nevertheless, i’m keeping this one…they say to be happy is risking getting hurt again… then, so BE it….And if such follows contentment, then i’m willing to lay all the cards i have…just to have a good ending with this one….

The End

remembering….

November 3rd, 2008

she was the prettiest among them all…at first glance, i knew she will mean more than just an inspiration…she was brought by challenge that I could be somebody else that I couldn’t.

she was not suppose to be mine…a lowering pride brought about by love, I’d like to believe, that brought me to her. she was young and dynamic..colorful

the image played on my mind several times…that i rushed more than just couple of times from my work just to see if she was fine…exhausted every means iknow nothing of just tomake sure that she is still breathing…

i studied her form even dismaying the gender she had because of the aesthetics i desired…and molded the sunken emotions of the dreadful fate she i and i might encounter…

and today..just for today…after the million routines i have done and expected worst…i saw what i feared the most…that not an inch of movement can my brains command my system…in shocked…prepared I believe but couldn’t deny the astonishment..

for whatever it was worth, i do miss her …shewas meant to teach something that reminded me, something I forcibly buried no matter how i deny it…that something you deemed dearly could be vanished without logic….she reminded me that her existence is never a gauge of how I can be abetter person perceived by someone undeniably significant…

that i already am … on what I think is my worth …and not by adhering to the disgustful façade i  ran away from

breathless .. motionless…nota single blink… and honestly , I don’t know how many more few more seconds for it to sink in………

The End

it was cute..

July 9th, 2008

wiggling like a child..i saw the figure from behind…it has kept me awake for quite some time…and it’s odd that it has stripped my appetite for few instances..things i have never ever pondered…

the mere sight lasts till the time the eyes closed…

took a glance…glanced again…stared…internalized…

and just when i was to enter my sanctuary, the figure was visible again in my mind…holding a bag, the shirt wasn’t flattering at all…wearing flats i would never want… wiggling like a child..i mimicked…

then i smiled..and said to myself…it was cute.

The End

Learning from “Sex and the City”..

June 1st, 2008

(reposted due to typo errors)

Ivy was a  fan of the series, not me…I was more of the fiction freak than the reality..but I must admit that watching the flick felt good …i believe for women who had a lot of things in their way.

It was nice watching ‘female norms”…and felt good knowing that what I went through was universal. “Things happens for a reason”…that is one thing we should accept, regardless of what gender is, no matter how unbelievable it is. Like Carrie said, “things just happen…no matter how she did not believe it…and our lives will continue if we decide it to…and happiness is more of a choice rather than a destiny”

And  just contemplating..my last entry was in 2007 and I couldn’t lift a finger to write a blog again because pride stopped me..it didn’t want me to become so transparent again.. feared that it will send wrong signals…but then again, it has been 5 months…and I couldn’t care less anymore.

Tomorrow is already june 1, and as much as I wanted to leave (talk about rescheduled appointments), God had other plans for me. The opening school year will be different from now on..that I know. The last semester and summer was a struggle for me, whether I speak of it or not..and as to able to have survived it all..i believe I did.

Am I stronger now? Happier now?…i believe I am…so as I will be missing a lot of what I poured my emotions for. The new semester offers a new start…a fresh one…looking back at what I had will always be the measurement of my becoming a better mentor…and looking back will always be a good measure of my happiness.

And to the million dollar question every eye pokes when I am around….yes, everything is OK.. things may not be the way they are but trust me…it is ok. Whatever  it was, it’s already in it’s right place…and because of time, it seeks and will seek nothing anymore.  I will always look back to what it made me smile for., every reason I could remember..because those are the things that should be thought of (nothing else should be pondered more)…how I shared my profession and my students with…nobody has come close to playing around with my students whether during my lectures or my duty …no one has come close to making me laugh with the surprises at work ….and no one has come close to my want to challenge another wit and my want to tease because it is necessary to break the arrogance …….these I have to admit..i do acknowledge everything. I don’t throw away the good stuff, .i learn from what is not. Things are new now and it may soon become unnoticed just like it was before…surprisingly, the last sight made me smile….and it will make me smile… I believe .

The new semester breaks me away from the comfort group I had.   Funny, knowing that I was them in 2 semesters and just when I was single and free that I was able to enjoy the genuine friendship with them…friendship that was not even planned.  Knowing them was unexplainable and the feeling is indescribable..that kept me interested and enjoying what I had at work:

·         Ivy

- nope she is not part of the DOMENG team but she has been one of the best friends I ever had. Met her back in nursing school when I needed a lab gown and a sorority friend knew her. She has been my strength a times I lost myself. The first time she had to pull me  was when I was in MN class all lost and …wandering.  She will always be an ally…whatever or whoever will temporary set us apart.

·         Donna

– the loud, funny and loving friend I have. It took one coffee at “Kopi Roti” to realize that we can actually be more than just co-workers. She is the joy of the group and her absence will really make us miss her. Her mouth is unstoppable and there will be no other person who can come close to make us all laugh. It will only be HER. But she turned out to be really special and knowing her made me regret that I stopped my self reaching out to them before. Circumstances made me do that.

·          Jo Irene

– the person having the odd laughter. she was my classmate but we weren’t that close like now. Jo is sweet and “mataray “ at  the same time. She warned me..i did not listen..she continued to warn me..i refused still to listen.hehehe… she is the has no talent in hiding what she feels that who could snap at you if she didn’t like you and that makes her really special.

·         Brok

– the pretty and the most dainty, id like to believe. Simple life..simple thoughts..classic principles…and fabulous comic act.. she is the friend you read in novels..always emotional on things..gets upset but would rather be silent… she substitutes donna when she is not around.

·         Charisse-

“ ang inchik”…I couldn’t say anything else. The toddler whose height is 6 plus…who shrieks coz she is fat when she is size 24 and screams because she’s dark already when she is the lightest among us…haaayyy….she talks 500 words per minute…plays anything that is fun and snaps at something that is offensive to her. She is the baby among the group…who we love to annoy a lot.

·         Rose Tuloy

– i tell her my emotions at the most odd places..like during CHN duties or COPAR..weird…we do not hang out much outside the workplace ..and that’s understandable..but the friendship will always be special. We exchange notes and emotions…and learn always. She’s the voluptuous among the group …and the sassiest.

·          May

– ok we call her “gerzon”..i like calling her gerzon..hehehe..who wouldn’t notice her..the stature and the eyerbrows..and the sharp tongue. .she is the most mature among us, no one would contest that…always reminds us of our age. Her words pacify our immatureness often..and somehow, our jokes makes her calm in her anger. She is motherly and funky at the same time..hehehe…we make her young..period.

·         Topen:

the male counterpart of charisse. He will make fun of anything and EVERYTHING he sees..including US..and it will just make us laugh. He substitutes donna in her absence..and whose energy is always on the rise. Sweet..goodlooking..funny and stress-free person who is serious about his plans in life….

·         Haidee

– adopted from Paolo’s group..mataray pretty  mom who listens to me and tells me things at the right time..ninang ako ng  baby nya..hehehe

·         Malou

– it was her  that I have when I ran away from reality just to escape everything…what she had was incomparable to what I went though..and it made me strong. She is the pretty mom with a tiny physique but with the strongest personality because of what she had. She panicks for me..hahaha…even at time I wouldn’t even regard panicking about.. but it’s nice and heartwarming

·         Princess

  - the “out of this  world” lady who gets anything because of her style and unique ilongga “style”..she will make you laugh and wonder what you laughed about

·         Polly

– she laughs, laughs loud..laughs without poise..than she asks suddenly what we are laughing about and what she is laughing about…funny and bubbly and always smiling..yup that’s her…always there to listen and to comment when we needed it badly

·         Janet

– has her own world..but I remember sharing time with her before…during on of the duties..she is special..and a loyal friend..she is fierce and it’s not bad at all

·         Domeng

– the reason all of the girls above became friends……he is friend even before..he doesn’t give advices when I need it because he thinks I can always manage things…it is when I am sober and strong that he give his thoughts for me…

And there are other more friends who is of the same degree of being special to me like them…but these people I will miss because I will no longer be in the same schedule with them…though I will see them still often. I will miss having lunch with them all ..or merely having a headache planning where to go during lunchbreaks.

                            Life gave me something I never imagined possible…it taught me something I wouldn’t have learned alone…it made me clear to me what I want and maed me rememeber what I did not….

                New life..new students..new supervisor friends…Haven’t even started but they already made me interested…..that it made me write again.

The End

What DiD i Get….?

December 30th, 2007

i hate it when i’m left at
my pc and emotions just keep rushing in…tomorrow is 2008..and as much as I
prevent myself from looking back at 2007 (like all the TV programs do..), I
just cant…

 
I have been through a LOT
..hehehe…that’s all…

 
and many have been offering
their support and love, and I appreciate it sooo much….but I don’t know if they
really understand what I just went
through…as they say, each experience is unique.

 

but I have been
relieved…I have forgiven. Forgiveness has been asked (thank you for that…it
wasn’t easy I know) . Whether it was asked with sincerity or not, forgiveness is something
you have no choice but to give to…hoarding it will just make you feel all the
hurt again and again. Forgiving is the start of trying to forget everything. ..( besides, a wrong decision will never make me stop enjoying life)

 

and as to lessons…yeah I
have learned a few…that if there is one mistake in your whole lifetime that you
can tolerate, it is when you are kind even to those who are undeserving.

 

that one should remain to
love herself …one should never forget that AT ALL TIMES (and at all cost). Strong women tend to
rationalize all the time and think they still have the respect for themselves
but when you start doing things beyond what you believed for so long, beyond
your own principles, when you become the person who you warn your troubled
friends about and you deny it to yourself even how obvious it is…then you have
lost yourself while loving others.

 

that there are things
that are beyond your control… accept it and drop it. You can’t change a
person…you can only wish they will for you…you can only forgive and  if they don’t change, then you are NOT the One (even if you think you were raised well to deserve it). It’s never wrong to risk loving
(that’s what they say)…but there’s a limitation to risking just for things to
work out. Trust your instincts, they are not synonymous to paranoia…don’t ever
believe that explanation. No one is perfect (i have my shortcomings) but all are due with some degree of
respect.

 

that no one will protect
yourself but you alone…putting your guards totally down coz of trust will
result to something more hurting to yourself only…

 

that one should learn how
not to give a damn at everything..hehehe…whether expressing oneself makes that bad
person rejoice over something he triumphed on you about…So what? Send the message
across… keeping it and keeping your pride (so they say) won’t change things
anyway. If they rejoice over your woes, then you will prove to yourself the
truth behind the lies…you will learn then to smile.


that when
you listen to your friends….put all that has been said  in your mind, no matter how unbelievable it is.
They have known you for so long and you have been through a lot with them together.. they have
all the credibility to say things to you.. they see more than you do.

 

And always PRAY…for
understanding, strength and guidance…to make you see things positively all
the time…to keep respecting boundaries and learning to appreciate still the
source of your weeping (hate the game, not the player). Praying never fails.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

The End

OVER…(daughtry song)

December 16th, 2007

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve star
ted running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without
you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get
through,
I got over you.

 

Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

 
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door
shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

 

The End

O V E R R U L E D

December 10th, 2007

 

last saturday, i went
to petite’s birthday bash, a dear college friend in up..

 

“it’s good that you’re back…” for 3 meets with
separate set of old friends, i have been told of…and amidst the party roar,
involuntary thoughts just rushed……. .

 

there was some point,
i asked god what He wanted to tell me…i begged that i would understand His
purpose for everything that He just made me underwent….

 

i believed before that
i was soo much in control of my life and my choices and at the same time i
recognized that wisdom to do such came from Him…with all that just happened, i
now couldn’t understand where He is leading me to…amidst all emotions, i never
dared to question Him, but in desperation i did ask Him to make me understand
what is this all for….

 

before, i knew who i
was, inside out…. i knew what people liked about me…i knew my strengths and
my weaknesses…i knew what my principles in life are and my ideals…i knew what i
wanted to do and how to do it…i knew life the way i want to live ….. and that
was what i wanted to share

 

but then somewhere
along the line… i met a person who made me  realize that it may not be like that all the time….we
make choices that would make us do otherwise for something we would think would
be more fulfilling…that unnoticingly,  the strong persona u had will be altered and placed
on the side…

 

to have that change was a decision …. an
unavoidable choice…but coupled with that change are reactions from people who i have been with for a long time……….and for some reason, the only way to protect all of them
from a dreadful answer are closed eyes and ears.. and hope that they will
understand.

 

but i keep on
learning….no, i don’t regret the choices i made, the sacrifices that i had to
do, the life i tried to live,  the man i fought for ….for it all felt right at the time it was
made…while others perceive that my emotions may be betraying  me but how else would you do it…like i always say , my emotions will always make
me feel human…

 

i am slowly picking up
my pieces and getting my old self back… appreciating each piece
more….i enjoy life with friends, i pull them out of their places… i stress my
self with them again….. i couldn’t believe i am with them again considering my
long absence…….

 

i can open my mind to
a lot of possibilities…but my emotions will overrule them…i was complete when
all of these came…i held on to what i had because i wanna share my completeness with though i have been alone all along, struggling
to prove to everyone that what i had  was different and special ……now, i am complete still…
……

 

and with that, the
blessings just came pouring in.

 100_8581100_8586

The End

I BREAK MY SILENCE…

December 3rd, 2007

i just woke
up in the middle of the night again but this time with emotions that are
human…no i am not indespair much …and i would wish to hold my peace but
sometimes i think, it would be really unfair to myself…I have held my peace for
so long…but human as I am…there are confessions that just will break the tie….

 

things have
been really whirlwind lately and what was not meant to be should not be
continued… i had only 2 choices…to let myself be
affected with the aftermath or not… but how can you choose to be not affected in a snap when the
lies keep on surfacing…all those secrets of flirtations to others in the time
that was officially mine are unveiled from the recepients and the accessories of the act themselves…that when i thought i had so much pride
before.. all along, i had actually had none. But there is  no use to hurdle
those anymore…there is nothing i can do about it….everything was underestimated
including myself….

i will
never understand the need of constant self ego check…and I will never attempt
to accept it again…

 

  (……..there
are moments I want to tell you exactly the kind of person you are..because
probably no one very dared to tell you so far …)

 

and when i
am about to move on……..it has not been over a month yet and now i have been
informed that a new beginning with another person has been happening for a
week….and now i feel soo stupid…fooled will be the right term… coz until the
last minute words to me, they just proved to be lies after all…they proved to
be crafted all along …. because a confession has been made that prior to that,
she was lured while i was still D one.

 

Much more
its sad that the ethics on separation was not mutual as well….when i chose to
be silent to prove that i am ok …. i am stripping
respect which what i owe to myself badly.

 

when i am
about to begin stepping forward …bringing with me what i thought was real…i am pulled again
backwards…not because i am weak and letting myself pulled by them but because it is wrong to step forward
with a wrong perception still….the evidences
will speak for themselves…

 

the questions
I have will always haunt me….but I refuse to dwell on it…
this will be the last time I will step back..

 

amidst all,
i wish happiness for us all…that i can be proud to be honest about.

The End